This page contains some naughty words, if that offends you, log off now!

Who ever dies with the most tools wins! 

Women won't understand the above, it's a guy thing

DRILL PRESS:  A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:  Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh shit”
SKILL SAW:  A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:  Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:  An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major efinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:   One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:  Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:  Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:  A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:  Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:  A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:  A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:  Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:  A tool for opening paint cans . Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:  A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:  A tool used to make hoses too short.
 HAMMER:   Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a  kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the  object we are trying to hit.
 UTILITY KNIFE:   Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such  as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector  magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. It is especially  good for slicing work clothes, while being worn.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL:  Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling  'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


BUFFING WHEELS:   Felt wheels attached to a high speed rotating shaft used for grabbing knives and out of your hand and throwing them either point first into the concrete floor, or point first into some portion of your body.

ARC WELDER:   High voltage electrical device used to burn irregular shaped holes in metal that you are trying to join.    


FILE:  Metal cutting tool used to make scratches in knives that takes hours to sand out.


CENTER PUNCH:  Pointed metal shaft used to mark holes for drilling that are a fraction of an inch from where they should be.


TONGS:   Large pliars like devices used to allow red hot steel to go flying into some portion of your body when the steel is struck with a hammer. When this happens see “SON OF A BITCH TOOL”


ANGLE GRINDER:  A tool with a high speed rotating abrasive wheel used for opening up the front of your shirt, removing skin and sometimes as an eraser for bad welds.


CRESECNT WRENCH:  Device used to start the rounding process of bolt heads and also used to remove the skin from knuckles.  Sometimes doubles as a hammer.


SAWSALL:  Electric Saw that is used for locating electrical wiring and plumbing hidden in walls.


WIRE STRIPPER:  Pliars like device used to turn almost too short wires into totally too short wires. 


DIKES or SIDE CUTTERS:  Special pliars used to identify and locate energized electrical lines.


SHOVEL:  Wooden prop with metal point used to keep municipal workers from falling over.


PICK:  Pointed tool used to locate water lines, gas lines and underground electrical lines.  


ELECTRIC DRILL:  Hand held device used to make holes in wood, metal and plastic that are a fraction of an inch from where the need to be. Also used to burn up or break drill bits.


REAMER:  Tapered cutting tool used to enlarge holes made by Electric Drill so things will line up.