NOTE:  This is a JOKE. 
Do Not Try This At Home

Instructions

 

  1. Take the foot long piece of White Oak 2 X 4 and place one side firmly against your forehead.  Take the 2 ½ lb cross pien and strike the other side of the board at least half a dozen times.  This will hurt like hell while you are doing it, but it will feel extremely good when you stop.   Now that I have your attention, it is time to begin making a sword. 

 

  1. Place the thumb of your non dominant hand (that’s your left if you are right handed, and your right if you are left handed) on the edge of the work bench.  I know this is going to be difficult for most of you because you don’t know right from left so here is the simplified version.  Pick up the hammer with the hand you use to feed yourself.  That is your dominant hand.  Place the thumb of the other hand on the edge of the workbench.  Now hit the thumb on the workbench with the hammer.  I know this will hurt like hell and it sounds stupid, but you are stupid and you are going to hit your thumb sooner or later so you might as well get it out of the way beforehand and avoid the suspense.  Besides if you hit it on purpose you will most likely not hit it as hard as you would accidentally.

 

  1. We are almost ready to start; first we must layout the sword on the metal bar. To obtain maximum magical properties, layout work must be started as exactly midnight of the Full Moon immediately preceding the first day of Summer and completed by January first of the following year.  This only gives you approximately 7 months so you must work fast.   Place the metal bar on the work bench, measuring from both ends of the bar locate the exact center of the bar.  Mark the center approximately 2 inches in from the end at both ends with the soap stone if you are doing stock relief or with a gentle hit with the center punch if you are going to forge the blade. Now draw a line between the two marks, this is the center line. Next measure 9 inches down from one end and mark this point on the bar as above. This end will be the handle.  From this point measure down 4 more inches and mark that point.  This is where the sharp edges of the blade will begin. Note: The exact layout measurements of the handle, and the 3 inches before the sharp edge must be exact as 9 X 4 = 36, the exact length of the sword and the closer this ratio can be maintained, the more magical properties the sword will have.  Try to keep all dimensions divisible by 9 or 3 as these are powerful magical numbers.  9 X 3 = 27 the length of the blade. 9 X 1 = 9 the length of the handle 9 + 3  = 12, the number of years it will take you to build this sword.  9 + 3 = 12, the number of hours it would take anyone else to build this sword.  9 + 3 = 12, the number of brewskys any competent smith would consume while constructing this blade.  9 + 3 = 12, the number of times you will overdose while constructing this blade.  9 + 1 + 1 = the number you better keep handy because you will be calling it at least 12 times a day.  4 X 9 = 36, the seasons of the year times the handle length = the length of the completed sword.  9 X 3 = 27, the number of tabs of acid you will probably drop while fanaticizing about this blade.1 X 5 = 25 all are very unlucky numbers... 25 the number of years in prison you will get for being busted 1 time with 5 grams of weed.

 

  1. Now that layout is completed actual construction can begin.

 

    1. Constructing the blade and hardware using the Stock Removal Process: 

 

                                                               i.      Mark the exact center of the bar on one end. 

 

                                                             ii.      Taper the bar on both sides from the two inch point marked in layout to the center to form the point with one of the files included.

 

                                                            iii.      Now go to the other end, to the mark at 9 inches.  With the file remove 3/8” of stock from the 9 inch mark all the way to the end on either side of the bar to form the tang. 

 

                                                           iv.      Mark the center of the tang at the butt and file a notch ½” deep in the center of the tang at the butt end. You can also use the hacksaw to do this but don’t break the blade.  Ok now that you have broken the blade, put a new on in, remember you only have 2 left, that’s blades not hands.  

 

                                                             v.      Take the hacksaw and cut the head off one of the ¼” bolt.  Lay the cut end into the slot in the tang.

 

                                                           vi.      Take the propane torch and the silver solder and flux, put the flux on the joint between the bolt and tang, heat with the torch and apply silver solder to secure the bolt to the tang. 

 

                                                          vii.      Apply Aloe Vera to the burn you got from touching the still hot metal. 

 

                                                        viii.      Take the 1 ½” diameter by ¾“thick round steel bar, locate the exact center of this piece.  This will take a competent smith approximately 10 seconds; on the other hand it will take you at least a month. 

 

                                                           ix.      Take the hammer and the center punch; punch a mark at the exact center of the round bar. 

 

                                                             x.      Drive to the emergency clinic and have them take a look at your hand where you hit it with the hammer, it probably isn’t broken, but an x-ray should be taken anyway.  Don’t call 9-1-1; this is for real emergencies not just mashed hands you woos.

 

                                                           xi.      Place a half inch bit in the drill press and drill a whole ½” deep in the center of the round stock where you punched it.  Then go find the chuck key and remember to take it out of the chuck before you turn on the drill press next time.  If you find the chuck key stuck in your eye, this would be a good time to call 9–1–1 but you are still a woos.  Real men would drive themselves to the emergency clinic.

 

                                                          xii.      Get the torch, flux and silver solder the ¼” nut and the other ¼” bolt.  Put the nut on the very end of the bolt; place the nut into the hole in the 1 ½” diameter stock you just drilled.  Put flux on it, heat with a torch and sliver solder the nut into the hole.  Then before the solder cools remove the bolt so it will not be soldered in place. 

 

                                                        xiii.      Put Aloe Vera on the burns you got by grabbing the hot metal with your bare hands.  You are really a woos, want a second opinion, you are a klutz too.

 

                                                        xiv.      Now, mark the center line of the bar from the tang to the point with the black magic marker.  Then taking the remaining file, because you have probably lost the other one by now, bevel the blade from the centerline to the edges on both sides.  Start the bevel at the 4 inch mark that you put on the blade previously and work toward the point.

 

                                                         xv.      After the blade has been shaped, the blade must be polished.  Take the Oak 2 X 4, place it against your forehead and strike it with the hammer at least 6 times.  If you did this again, you really are stupid.  Wrap a sheet of 60 girt sandpaper around the 2 X 4 and begin to sand out the file marks making sure that you keep the contour of the blade intact.  Continue polishing using progressively finer sandpaper until you have a mirror finish.

 

                                                        xvi.      Once the blade is polished out to 100 grit, it is ready to be heat treated.  Place the blade in the center of the stainless steel foil, being careful not to puncture the foil.  Place a small, 2” square of rag on the blade and saturate with solvent or other mineral spirits.  Do not drink the mineral spirits, they are poison.  Call 9-1-1 have them take you to the hospital to get your stomach pumped because you didn’t read this whole section before you drank the mineral spirits.  Now that you are back home, wrap the blade in the foil wrap with the cloth inside,  seal the ends and edges tightly.  When the blade is heated, the rag with mineral spirits will burn, and consume all the oxygen inside the foil wrap, this will keep the blade from oxidizing and spoiling the finish during the heat treating process.

 

                                                      xvii.      Heat the blade in the foil wrap to a bright red then plunge point first into a barrel of vegetable oil up to the hilt. Keep the tang portion out of the oil until the tang cools below a black heat.  Make figure 8s with the blade in the barrel of oil as soon as you plunge it in.  Once the tang has cooled to a black heat, quench the whole sword. You can get used vegetable oil from any fast food place.  Do not use oil from the fish and chips place or every time you draw your sword, every cat in the neighborhood will show up.  Various materials can be added to the quench to insure magical properties are infused into the blade among them are Wolf bane, Virgin blood (extremely rare and difficult to obtain), and magic powder, the kind you obtain from a wizard, not a street pharmacist.  You would do well to consult the latest version of Harry Potter, Dungeons and Dragons, or other mystical books, make that videos, because your reading is probably at a 3rd grade level and your comprehension is that of a gnat.  Once the blade has been quenched, remove it from the foil wrap,  reheat it to 375o F. and hold

                                    at that temperature for 3 hours.

 

            b. Constructing the blade using the forge process:

 

i.          Light the forge.  If using a coal forge, open all the doors and windows to the shop, let the smoke clear out, then move the forge outside and re-light. If using a gas forge, apply Aloe Vera to the burns on your face and hands. Don’t worry about the eyebrows, they will grow back.

 

ii.          Now that the forge is lit, and the pain in your face has subsided or you are once again breathing properly depending on which forge you are using,  Take the 1 ½” X ¼” X 36” bar that you have laid out according to instructions listed above. **** Go back and read the layout instructions you dolt and then return to this spot****.  Heat the end that will be the point to a bright orange, then lay it edge on across the anvil and forge to a point from about 2 inches up the blade.  Apply Aloe Vera to your fingers where you touched the hot end of the blade. 

 

iii.         Re heat to bright orange, and place the opposite side of the blade edge on the anvil, strike the point to center it.  You should now have a piece of steel that looks like a skinny picket out of a fence.  If you don’t know what a fence picket looks like, look in the mirror, it has a point that is perfectly centered just like the one on the top of your head.

 

iv.         Let the pointed end cool; do not quench it in water.  When it is cool enough to handle, place the handle end in the fire and heat to bright orange.  Draw out the handle to ¾” wide starting a 9 inches from the end.  Keep the bar thickness at ¼” inch.  You will end up with a handle that is longer than 9 inches but you can trim it to 9 inches with a hack saw.

 

v.         Let the handle end cool, do not quench in water.  When it is cool enough to handle, place the pointed end into the fire and heat to a bright orange,  Begin to taper the edges of the blade working from side to side to keep the blade as straight as possible.

 

vi.         Continue to heat and taper the edges of the blade to a thickness of approximately 1/8” until both edges are tapered to 4 inches below the handle.  If you do it right with a cross peen hammer, the cutting edges of the blade will be wider than the stock you started with which will give your sword that mystical look you so fondly desire. 

 

vii.        Once the blade has been completely forged and straightened, heat to a bright red and cool in ashes of the Wolfs bane Plant or other exotic wood to help impart magical properties in the blade and to anneal it.  It will take approximately 24 hours to anneal so use this time wisely.  Meet with your Parole Officer.  Contact your Street Pharmacist for more magical herbs and powders.  Consult a competent Physician to treat the galloping infection in your burns

 

viii.       Once the blade has cooled, remove it from the ashes and finish it as per instructions in the Stock Removal Section. 

 

ix.         When the blade has been finished, heat treat per instructions listed above.  Stop looking at the ceiling, the instructions above are not listed there, they are a couple pages back.

 

            c.  Putting the handle on your sword.

 

i.          Take the 1” X ½” X 6” steel bar and mark the exact center on the 1” side. Measure and mark a spot 3/8” on either side of the center along the long axis of the bar.  Draw a line between the two marks down the exact center of the bar.  You will use a ¼” drill make the rough hole in this bar to form the guard.  Punch the line you marked with a center punch with the first punch at the center and successive punches working both ways from the center as close to ¼” inch apart as possible.  Once all holes have been located with the center punch, drill out the holes.  After the holes have been drilled, remove the remaining metal between the holes with a cold chisel and file the opening smooth.

 

ii.          After the hole for the tang has been completed, file, grind bend and otherwise shape the hand guard to your satisfaction, then polish as you did the blade. 

 

iii.         Slip the hand guard onto the tang, it should fit snugly, but should slide all the way to the hilt of the blade.  Now comes the tricky part.  Go into your mom’s kitchen and get the biggest potato you can find.  Stick the blade through the potato and slide the potato up the blade all the way to the hilt.  It should rest firmly against the hand guard, but not displace it.  Clamp the blade in the vise just below the potato using a couple pieces of scrap wood so as not to mar the blade with the vise jaws.  You are going to silver solder the hand guard in place and the potato will act as a heat sink to stop the heat from pulling the temper from your blade. 

 

iv.         Heat the hand guard with the propane torch, apply flux and solder the hand guard in place.  Let the metal cool then remove all excess solder with a file, sandpaper or other suitable methods.  Do not eat the potato, while it will have more nutrients in it than you have had in the last week, it will also have lead and other heavy metals from the solder.  Call the doctor and ask him about Chelation Therapy because you ate the potato anyway.  One of the symptoms of heavy metal poisoning is stupidity, in your case it will be extremely difficult to recognize so best to be on the safe side. 

 

v.         Take the two 9” X ¾” X 1 ½” blocks of oak and make a ¾” wide X 1/8” deep grove down the center of each block.  Glue the grooved sides together with 5 minute epoxy.  Once the glue is dry slide the now formed handle over the tang.  Use spacers as necessary to get the fit proper length on the handle.  Once everything has been pre-fitted, disassemble the handle coat all mating surfaces with 5 minute epoxy reassemble and screw on the butt cap. 

 

vi.         Using the stock makers rasp, shape the handle to your own configuration, sand smooth and treat with Tung Oil or other suitable wood treatment. 

 

vii.        Your magical sword is now almost complete all that remains is to sharpen it.  If you sharpened it before, now you know that was a huge mistake and you have the stumps where fingers used to be to prove it.

 

viii.       The final step in the process is instilling the magical properties in the blade.  Here I leave you on your own as each of you demented dimwits and your followers have your own ideas of what process makes the best magical blade.

 

To test the magical properties of your blade, first fill your mouth with lime Jell-O, then take a large swig of warm strawberry pop and squish both around in your mouth, do not swallow.  Now let this concoction run out of both sides of your mouth as you run at a policeman screaming at the top of your lungs and brandishing your sword.  You are probably asking yourself how will this prove the magical properties of the sword?  You are about to find the answer to the age old question “Does God really exist?”  It doesn’t get any more magical that that!!!!