Please Note:  This is a JOKE do not actually attempt this at home.
DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!

Magical Sword Kit

 

By Richard A. Hanson © 2003

 

Foreword:       With the proliferation of Movies centered around the use of a magical sword and the subsequent demand for the same by most of the morons who watch this tripe and can’t differentiate Hollywood Fantasy from reality it was suggested that someone prepare a kit for the making of this mysterious sword.  Humbly I leaped into the breech.  Now it should be recognized that the average user of this kit will have an IQ that is roughly equivalent to that of a Concord Grape.   By saying this, I do a great disservice to grapes and raisins everywhere and cast disparity upon them.  However, that was not meant to be the case, it is not the grapes fault that these mindless morons are not quite as bright as a small fruit.  Had they been a bit brighter, they would not need this kit they could produce this elusive sword by following the instructions I laid down in my “Dissertation on Making Magical Swords”.  But alas, most of these mental midgets failed the purification ritual by performing unnatural acts while clutching tightly their Harry Potter Dolls, the like of which has been rumored to cause the growth of hair on the palm, insanity and bad vision.  Therefore, for these minions of the less than lucid I have compiled a kit that will allow even the most mindless of them to assemble the desired magical sword.  I do this in the fervent hope that most if not all of these confused passengers of the Disoriented Express will complete the sword post haste, plant the hilt of the sword firmly in the ground, and impale themselves upon it at the first opportunity.  Thus removing their genes from the human gene pool as well as sparing all of us further aggravation with their stupid questions.

 

Disclaimer Safety Considerations:   You are about to embark on an endeavor that will be completely foreign to you.  It will involve hard physical labor.  This is something you have never experienced in your short slovenly life.  You will notice that beads even droplets of moisture appear on your forehead.  Your head had not sprung a leak and your brains are not leaking out, you have no brains to begin with, it is called sweat.   It is the body’s way of relieving internal heat caused by physical exertion.  Think of it as condensation from the body’s air conditioning system. 

 

Further, you are going to be handling tools which have sharp edges and constructing a sword with even sharper edges.  This can lead to cuts and other injuries which will cause you to bleed or even produce broken bones or severed appendages.  This Kit ain’t Idiot Proof.  If you do something incredibly stupid and hurt yourself, it is your fault and not mine.  It is high time you accepted responsibility for your own actions. Neither the World nor I are your babysitter.

 

Further, the finished product will be much heavier than you though and will require considerable dexterity and muscle to wield.  I know you saw your favorite screen hero swing a similar sword for hours on end without tiring but that was Hollywood Fantasy, say it with me FAN tah See, it is not real, it is make believe.  This is the real world, I know you are unaccustomed to functioning in it, but try. 

 

Remove all body piercings before using or in your case misusing, any tools especially power tools.  As much as I would like to see you get your nose ring caught in the wheel of a 2 horsepower buffer and watch you be thrashed around the shop like a rag doll on a windmill, I feel it is my duty to attempt to protect you if I can.  

Lower the volume of your favorite ”music“ to a level that allows you to hear yourself scream when you run your fingers into the belt sander.  This will not only help protect your hearing, it will allow others to know when you injure yourself again.

 

Wear a suitable head covering to keep your tri colored spiked Mohawk hair cut from being entangled in moving machinery which will cause you to scream louder than your “music” and force you to go through the rest of your life with the top of your head looking like rutted dirt road between two wheat fields. Come to think of it, that may be an improvement over the way you look now. 

 

Wear gloves to protect your freshly manicured acrylic fingernails.  I mean if you spent $50 to get them done, you might as well protect them.

 

Wear a face shield.  You already got too much stuff stuck in your face; you don’t need more sharp objects piercing your face.  Although a piece of ¾ inch shaft with nicely formed balls on the ends running through your head which would serve to hang you from the rafters has a certain amount of appeal to me.   

 

Loose the baggy clothing!  I know this will cause you serious mental distress after all, it is your identity.  If you want to wear what looks like two flour sacks sewn together with the crotch half way to your knees, that is your business but if you choose to wear them in the shop, see rag doll and windmill above.  If these pants get caught in moving machinery, they will give you a wedgie that will cause your voice to go up at least three octaves and cause your eyes to permanently cross.  It will also make you eligible for the soprano section of the Vienna Boy’s Choir

 

This about covers the safety related cultural differences between your generation and mine.  You will notice that I did not make any reference to an athletic supporter or cup as required safety items that is because you probably don’t have anything down there that needs protecting anyway.

 

It is assumed that you have or have access to a relatively well equipped workshop with a few power tools, workbench and vise.  You will also need a large container of oil for heat treating the finished blade.

 

Magical Sword Kit

 

Quantity

Description

Use

1

Steel bar 1 ½” X ¼” X 36”  SAE 5160

This is what you make the sword from

2

12” Bastard Files

This is not 2 files of uncertain parentage; it is the actual name of a file.  These will be used to shape the blade.

1

Propane torch with pencil tip

This is used for silver soldering the bolt to the end of the tang, and the nut to the butt cap.  Note but cap is not a chapeau that hangs from your belt, it is the cap on the end of the handle of the sword.  In your case, this will also be used to burn fingers, unintentionally melt plastic items and possibly to set the house on fire.

1

Roll silver solder

Use explained above.  It is not silver and while it is a bit pricey, it cannot be traded for drugs.

1

Jar silver solder paste flux

Used to get the sliver solder to stick to the metal.  It is not glue, you still have to heat the metal with the torch

1

Box of white powder

This is actually 20 Mule Team Borax; it can be used in place of the flux mentioned above for those of you that can’t seem to get the lid off the flux jar.  Do not put this white powder up your nose.  For those of you who did not read all of the above, don’t put this white powder up your nose a second time!

2

¾” X 1 ½”  X 9” block of White Oak

This is used to make the handle of the sword.  It also has other uses which will be explained later

1

4 way combination stock makers rasp

This is a file for wood used to shape the handle of the sword and remove excess skin from the fingers.

1

1” X ½” X 6” Mild Steel bar

This will be used to make the hand guard of the sword.

1

1 ½” Dia. X ¾” thick mild steel

This will be used to make the butt cap.

2

¼” X 1” grade 5 bolt with nut

These will be used to attach the butt cap to the handle.

1

 Tube 5 minute epoxy with hardener

This is used to glue the whole handle assembly together

4

1 ½” square leather spacers

These will be used to shim between the hand guard and handle and also between the butt cap and handle

2

1 ½” brass shims

These go between the leather spacers to add some contrasting color

1

2” X 4” X 12” piece of White oak

The use of this 2 X 4 will be explained later

1

2 ½ lb cross pien hammer

This will be used to forge the hand guard and also the blade if you are so inclined and equipped.


 

1

Soap stone

Used to mark metal and lay out sword on steel stock

1

Center punch

Used to locate holes for drilling metal and dropping point first on feet

1

Tape measure

Used to measure stuff and for layout work

1

Hacksaw with 3 blades

To cut bolts and other metal stuff.  You only need one blade, but you are so klutzy you will probably break all 3 before you get the job done

1

Cold chisel

Used for cutting metal

1

Felt Tipped Highlighter

To mark your place in these instructions so you don’t get lost.  Cross off each section of instructions as you complete them.  Don’t put the marker in you mouth!

1

Black fine point magic marker

For marking precise points on steel that will not mar the surface

24

Sheets sandpaper, 3 each 60, 100, 150, 220, 320, 400, 600, 1000

For finishing the blade

1

Stainless steel foil sheet 6 inches X 40 inches

To protect the blade during heat treating.