Any resembelance between anyone in this story and persons living or dead is purely coincidental. 

Do not try this at home, I am a trained professional. 

Dissertation on making Magical Swords

 

By Richard Hanson (c) 2003

 

 

 

INTRODUCTION:

 

Many young men aspire to create the perfect magical sword with little or no nowledge of the art of Blacksmithing. In order to alleviate confusion and acilitate their endeavor, I have painstakingly complied all that I know on the subject. If one follows these instructions religiously, you will be able to create the magical, mythical sword that will be able to cut the barrel off a machine gun. Further, you will be able to do this with absolutely no training in the art of blacksmithing; no knowledge of metallurgy; no skill of any kind what so ever. If you can read and follow instructions you can do it. That caveat, however, will eliminate approximately 99.9% of the younger generation. For the other .1% of you, this is a NO BRAINER, bub.

 

PREPARATION OF THE SMITH:

 

The smith should first purify himself by abstaining from any contact with the female of the species for a period of one year. He must not talk to, touch, be seen with, or even look at a female for a period of one year prior to the start of construction of the sword.

 

During this year of purification, the smith must bathe thrice (note the nice medieval word) daily in pure spring water gathered from the North Slope of the highest mountain in the area. Said spring water must be scented with Hibiscus and Chrysanthemum blossoms gathered from the East Slope and South Slope respectively, of said mountain. The spring water must be transported to the bathing area, which is exactly in the center of the West Slope, in wooden barrels of Virgin White Oak. The bath tub, also constructed of Virgin White Oak, must be filled slowly while chanting "OWA TAGU SIAM" as loudly and rapidly as possible. Bathing water must be heated to the temperature of Tiger's Blood and bathing must take place at exactly sunrise, mid day and sunset.

 

 

The smith must eat a healthful and magical diet consisting of Mulberry Leaf Salads with Oil and Vinegar Dressing, Spinach (it worked for Popeye), Lean Dragon Meat seasoned with Saltpeter, (you're going to need it) and unleavened bread. If Dragon is unavailable, lizard will do, but might have slight effects on the quality of the blade All meals to be cooked over a fire of Wolves Bane, with a fire ring made of lava rock and served on pure silver tableware.

 

The smith must also purify his mind by daily meditation and reading of Harry Potter Books, Lord of the Rings Books, Dungeons and Dragons with a healthy smattering of Egyptian Hieroglyphics and Ancient Babylonian Cuneiform thrown in for good measure. All references to members of the opposite sex must have been deleted from all reading material prior to reading. Magical Herbs to enhance meditation are not encouraged, but will be tolerated if used sparingly. It should be noted that over indulgence will result in a smith with the screaming munchies that is no longer interested in making a sword. Magic Powders and Dusts are not allowed.

 

Once purification is completed, the materials and tools can be assembled. Remember, omission of any of the purification steps will result in a POS blade, the likes of which can only be duplicated in Pakistan.

 

COLLECTION OF MATERIALS:

 

All tools and materials must be blessed by a Druid Priest, an Eskimo Shaman, a Shau Lin Monk, and a Lakota Medicine Man. Said blessings to take place on the first day of Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter each in turn and in the order listed above at exactly the stroke of midnight. Tools must be blessed first and materials second.

 

TOOLS:

 

Hammer made of the finest steel, forged in a fire made from coal preferably, or the finest low low sulfur Pocahontas Smithing Coal available. The hammer must never have been used before.

 

Anvil Ancient square block Wootz Steel Anvil or a piece of Granite from Cardiff, England

 

Tongs Wootz Steel

 

Forge Made from clay dug from the North Side of Stonehenge, at Midnight of the first Full Moon after the Vernal Equinox.

 

Bellows Made from the hide of Nagas, speared with spear made of Yew Wood with Obsidian point.

 

 

 

MATERIALS:

 

Steel: 1 meteorite from the Galaxy of Orion weighing exactly 1/2 stone. If making a Norseman's Magical Sword, the meteorite must be from the Crab Nebula. In the heat of battle this will produce an odor of dead fish which will remind the Norske of Ludefisk and make him fight harder.

 

Mystery Metal: Exactly 1/2 Stone in weight. This can be found at the base of the North Edge of the Pyramid of Cyops and must be procured at the first New Moon following the Winter Solstice. If mystery metal is not available, Unobtainium in an equal quantity will suffice

 

Hair of Bat: 2 Smigets. Transalvanian Bat preferred. Must be collected during a Full Moon or more preferably on Halloween.

 

Eye of Newt: 2, Not Gingrich, preferably from a Nile Salamander other endangered species will suffice.

 

Hair of Dog: This ain't booze, 4 Troy Oz. Mongolian Wolf preferred.

 

Coal: Pocahontas low sulfur, if Virgin White Oak Charcoal is unavailable

 

Charcoal: Virgin White Oak

 

Flux:

 Magic White Powder that allows the metals to weld, NOT THAT MAGIC WHITE POWDER, how many times do I have to tell you that crap will rot your brain, this magic white powder is 20 Mule Team Borax, purchased at Safeway on the first day of Spring at exactly Noon. Note: putting this white powder up your nose is guaranteed to produce hallucinations.

 

Quenchant: 5 gallon of Maiden Sweat, 5 gallons of Dragon's Blood, 5 gallons of Extra Virgin Olive Oil and 5 gallons of Whale Oil. If the listed ingredients are not available, new Automatic Transmission Fluid may be substituted but may result in a slight reduction in quality of the blade.

 

PROCESS:

 

Prepare the forge by placing a small amount of fine bark scrapings from a White Birch Tree in the center of the forge. Over this place small pieces of parchment leaving an opening on the North side. Start fire using flint and steel (no flick of the bic) flint obtained from China and Steel from Norway. as fire builds, add small sticks of Virgin White Oak until a good blaze is had. To the blaze, add small quantities of coal or charcoal pouring them around the fire in a counter clockwise direction. All the while chanting loudly and rapidly the magic words "STU PIDAMI" Gently pump bellows until a good welding fire is produced. Add additional fuel as necessary accompanied by the magical chant. Once a welding fire is obtained, purify the fire by adding the hair of bat, eyes of newt and hair of dog. (you might want to stand up wind for this one).

 

 

With the welding fire purified, first heat the meteorite to an orange heat, draw out into a bar that 1 1/2 inches wide, 1/2 inch thick and as long as necessary to obtain the dimensions stated. cut bar into 5 equal sections and lay aside. Do the same with the mystery metal. Then stack the layers alternating meteorite, mystery metal until you have a 10 layer billet. Heat to a bright red and flux liberally with the Magic Powder. Reheat to welding temperature and strike while chanting the Magic Words "I AM WEE TODD DID". After weld is joined, reheat and draw out to the above dimensions, cut into 10 equal pieces, stack reheat to red, flux again and reheat and weld. All the while continuing the Magic Chant. continue to draw out cut stack and weld at all times cutting into 10 equal pieces. Once at 10 million layers have been achieved, 7 cutting and stackings, forge into the desired blade shape.

 

 

Once the blade is forged, reheat to a bright red, no need to normalize or test with a magnet, this is magic hold the blade at temperature for exactly 7 minutes and 7 seconds. Having previously prepared the quenchant in a tub of Virgin White Oak, quench the blade plunging it point first, pointing North into the quenchant and leave until completely cool.

 

When cool, grind the blade sharp on a new grindstone of sandstone from Southwestern, Utah. (hey, we got other cults involved here, why not the Mormons). Polish with the finest pumice from Mount Etna. Handle the sword with the finest Ivory and Gold. Adorn with jewels if desired, but use good taste. We don't want to end up with a cutter that looks like it should belong to a New Orleans Pimp.

 

TEMPERING:

 

Tempering the blade is the most important step and while in most applications it takes place immediately after quenching, with a magical sword it is the last step. Remember the mountain from the purification process. Go to the very top of it. Wait for a thunderstorm then drive a pure copper stake into the ground, attach to it a sufficient length of new, un-insulated pure copper 6 gauge wire. Wrap the other end of the wire securely around your left ankle. Take the sword in your hand, raise it high over your head, face North and wait for lightening to strike the blade all the while chanting the Magical Words "O WAT TA FUL I AM" Once the blade is struck by lightening, it is done, you on the other hand will be well done.