What you are about to read is NOT politically correct.  It may be offensive to some people especially liberals!  It is ment as a joke and everybody knows that liberals have no sense of humor.  Conservatives on the other hand have a well developed sense of humor otherwise we would have put a bounty on liberals when we had the chance.  In retrospect that was a big mistake on our part.

I made a New Years Resolution to quit "Liberal Bashing"  well I made it 21 days.  That is a new record for me, it broke the old record by 20 days, 23 hours 59 minutes and 55 seconds.



Richard A. Hanson © 2005




1.                  Where can you light a strike anywhere match?

2.                  If you have three apples and you eat two how many oranges are left?

3.                  Will Preparation H cure asphalt?

4.                  Jimmy has $10.00, he weighs 97 pounds.  LeRoy has $.10 he weighs 220 pounds.  How many times will LeRoy have to hit Jimmy before he has $10.10.


5.                  Will DDT kill the fly in your pants?

6.                  A brick and a bowling ball both have three holes, which one is round?

7.                  Are your parents related?

8.                  Do you eat with the same hand you use to pick your nose?

9.                  Johnnie Walker Black used a single shot pistol to assassinate Abraham Lincoln.  How many times was Lincoln stabbed?


10.              If you fly faster than the speed of sound, can you still hear the radio?

11.              What NFL Team does Conway Twitty play for?

12.              Does a large part of your professional vocabulary consist of "Do you want fries with that" or "Would you like that super sized"?


13.              Do you consider a broken fingernail a lost time injury?

14.              If Joe starts walking East at 2 MPH and John starts walking West one hour later at 3 MPH how long will it take John to catch Joe?


15.              What is the name of the Pacific Ocean?

16.              Where does electricity go when you turn of the switch?

17.              If you have 2 potatoes in your right hand and none in your left hand, how many hands do you have?


18.              Can you count to ten with your mittens on?

19.              How many months have 28 days?

20.              If a chicken and a half lays an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long will it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle?


21:       Do you get hearing aids from listening to assholes?


22.       The Lincoln Memorial is in Washington D.C., where is Abraham

             Lincoln buried?


23.       Who is buried in Grant’ Tomb?


24.       The Pacific side of the Panama Canal is Higher than the Atlantic

             side, is there a waterfall where these two oceans meet?


25.       Why can’t people living in Winston Salem, NC be buried West of

             the Mississippi River?


26.       What is the difference between a blonde and a brick?


27.       Jack and Jill went up the hill with a bucket, and a buck and a

             quarter each.  Jill   came with $2.50 did they go for water? 


29.       According to Engineers, the bumble bee can’t fly.  The size and

            weight of it’s body in relation to the size and shape of it’s wings

            make flight impossible for   this creature. What method of

           locomotion is used by the bumble bee?


30.       Why are you taking this test?


31.       Why did God give liberals one more brain cell than monkeys?




1.         Anywhere except underwater.


2.         All the oranges you had when you started, you didn’t eat any of



3.         No but it will make it slippery.


4.         A maximum of once.


5.         No but it will get rid of your crabs.


6.         The bowling ball, if you missed this one, they probably won’t let

             you back in the bowling alley either.


7.         The correct answer should be no but if they are closer than

            second cousins, that might account for your low score. If you

            answered yes, deduct 5 points


8.         The answer should be no, but if you answered yes to 7 this will

             probably explain you answer to this question.


9.         Lincoln was shot once he was never stabbed and it was by John

            Wilkes Booth not Johnnie Walker Black.  Johnnie Walker Black

            is a brand of scotch and while he has killed many a dream and

            some marriages he was never a political assassin.


10        Yes but you have to turn it on first.  If you answered no, you are

             not only not very bright you are also technologically challenged



11.       None of them he’s dead.  If you said he used to be the

            Quarterback for the Rams, give yourself 10 points for being

            smart enough to  never listen to country music or watch football.


12.       Correct answer, it could.  If you aren’t at least bright enough to

             flip burgers you will not do well on this test anyway.


13.       The correct answer is no, if you applied for long term disability

             for a broken fingernail you must live in California.  People who

            live there are either on welfare or are extremely over paid but in

            both cases less than enlightened.


14.       John will never catch Joe, they will however meet in about 5000

             hours if they don’t stop to rest or eat and don’t drown while

             walking across the ocean.


15.       The correct answer is “The Pacific Ocean” if you answered

             anything else you probably played hockey before the mandatory

            helmet rule.


16.       It don’t go anywhere, if you don’t believe me, turn off the switch,

            then remove   the cover and grab a water pipe with one hand

            and touch both wires with the other hand.  You will not only

            discover the correct answer, you will also remove your genes

            from the human gene pool at the same time.


17.       You have two hands unless you live in the vicinity of Chernobyl.

            Give yourself an extra point if you also know that you have two



18.       The answer should be yes, if you can only count to 2 with your

             mittens on, you are not very bright.  If you can only count to 1 with

            your mittens on you are a pervert.


19.       All months have 28 at least 28 days, some have more.  If you

            answered 1 you   really got to quit smoking that stuff, it’s rotting

             your brain.


20.       Half a day on Tuesday, unless it rains, all the rest eat peanut

             butter except for  Grandma, she drives a Buick.  If you actually

            got this question right, there is little hope that you will ctually

            amount to anything worthwhile.  Deduct 5 points for a correct

            answer.  Give yourself 5 points if you did not try to answer this

            question at all.


21.       No you get bored, enraged, frustrated and develop an urge to kill

             them but you contract no disease.


22.       Lincoln is buried in Illinois.


23.       President and Mrs. U. S. Grant are buried in Grant’s Tomb. 


24.       NO!


25.       Because they aren’t dead yet.  I said they were LIVING!


26.       If you lay a brick it won’t follow you around for a week.


27.       Yes you pervert, she sold him the bucket. Get your mind out of

             the gutter and    deduct 5 points from your score!


28.       If you discovered that there is no question 28 before now give

            yourself 5 points, if you just looked, deduct 5 points.


29.       To error is human, to really foul things up, you need an engineer. 

             The damn bees fly, what did you think they did, take the bus.


30        If you said for laughs, give yourself 3 points, if you are actually

            trying to determine your intelligence, deduct 5 points.


31.       To keep them from defecating in their hands and throwing it at





40-42   You are some kind of Genius most people will hate you, not

              because you are smart, just because you are you.


35–39  You are a sharp dude, you will probably do time for a white

             collar crime.


30-34   Way above average, you could probably launch a rocket, but

             building one is another story.


25-29   Average, you will work long and hard for paltry wages and pay

             taxes dutifully to support those who have scored much lower.


20-24   Slightly below average, I see a great career as a manicurist

             here if you can learn to chew gum without popping it.


15-19   Well below average but I see a great career in transportation for

             you, if you can master the phrase “10-4 Good Buddy”.


10-14   Far below average for humans but really smart for a higher



5-9       Brain Dead, small electrical appliances score higher than this.


1-4       Tea totally fricking stupid, you have a great future in politics.


0 and less you ARE  the Senate Majority Leader if you are a man, if you are a woman you are the Secretay of State or House Minority Leader.