Richard A. Hanson © 2005
1. Where can you light a strike anywhere match?
2. If you have three apples and you eat two how many oranges are left?
3. Will Preparation H cure asphalt?
4. Jimmy has $10.00, he weighs 97 pounds. LeRoy has $.10 he weighs 220 pounds. How many times will LeRoy have to hit Jimmy before he has $10.10.
5. Will DDT kill the fly in your pants?
6. A brick and a bowling ball both have three holes, which one is round?
7. Are your parents related?
8. Do you eat with the same hand you use to pick your nose?
9. Johnnie Walker Black used a single shot pistol to assassinate Abraham Lincoln. How many times was
10. If you fly faster than the speed of sound, can you still hear the radio?
11. What NFL Team does Conway Twitty play for?
12. Does a large part of your professional vocabulary consist of "Do you want fries with that" or "Would you like that super sized"?
13. Do you consider a broken fingernail a lost time injury?
14. If Joe starts walking East at 2 MPH and John starts walking West one hour later at 3 MPH how long will it take John to catch Joe?
15. What is the name of the
16. Where does electricity go when you turn of the switch?
17. If you have 2 potatoes in your right hand and none in your left hand, how many hands do you have?
18. Can you count to ten with your mittens on?
19. How many months have 28 days?
20. If a chicken and a half lays an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long will it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle?
21: Do you get hearing aids from listening to assholes?
23. Who is buried in Grant’ Tomb?
24. The Pacific side of the
side, is there a waterfall where these two oceans meet?
25. Why can’t people living in Winston Salem, NC be buried West of
26. What is the difference between a blonde and a brick?
27. Jack and Jill went up the hill with a bucket, and a buck and a
quarter each. Jill came with $2.50 did they go for water?
29. According to Engineers, the bumble bee can’t fly. The size and
weight of it’s body in relation to the size and shape of it’s wings
make flight impossible for this creature. What method of
locomotion is used by the bumble bee?
30. Why are you taking this test?
31. Why did God give liberals one more brain cell than monkeys?
1. Anywhere except underwater.
2. All the oranges you had when you started, you didn’t eat any of
3. No but it will make it slippery.
4. A maximum of once.
5. No but it will get rid of your crabs.
6. The bowling ball, if you missed this one, they probably won’t let
you back in the bowling alley either.
7. The correct answer should be no but if they are closer than
second cousins, that might account for your low score. If you
answered yes, deduct 5 points
8. The answer should be no, but if you answered yes to 7 this will
probably explain you answer to this question.
Wilkes Booth not Johnnie Walker Black. Johnnie Walker Black
is a brand of scotch and while he has killed many a dream and
some marriages he was never a political assassin.
10 Yes but you have to turn it on first. If you answered no, you are
not only not very bright you are also technologically challenged
11. None of them he’s dead. If you said he used to be the
Quarterback for the Rams, give yourself 10 points for being
smart enough to never listen to country music or watch football.
12. Correct answer, it could. If you aren’t at least bright enough to
flip burgers you will not do well on this test anyway.
13. The correct answer is no, if you applied for long term disability
for a broken fingernail you must live in
live there are either on welfare or are extremely over paid but in
both cases less than enlightened.
14. John will never catch Joe, they will however meet in about 5000
hours if they don’t stop to rest or eat and don’t drown while
walking across the ocean.
15. The correct answer is “The Pacific Ocean” if you answered
anything else you probably played hockey before the mandatory
16. It don’t go anywhere, if you don’t believe me, turn off the switch,
then remove the cover and grab a water pipe with one hand
and touch both wires with the other hand. You will not only
discover the correct answer, you will also remove your genes
from the human gene pool at the same time.
17. You have two hands unless you live in the vicinity of
Give yourself an extra point if you also know that you have two
18. The answer should be yes, if you can only count to 2 with your
mittens on, you are not very bright. If you can only count to 1 with
your mittens on you are a pervert.
19. All months have 28 at least 28 days, some have more. If you
answered 1 you really got to quit smoking that stuff, it’s rotting
20. Half a day on Tuesday, unless it rains, all the rest eat peanut
butter except for Grandma, she drives a Buick. If you actually
got this question right, there is little hope that you will ctually
amount to anything worthwhile. Deduct 5 points for a correct
answer. Give yourself 5 points if you did not try to answer this
question at all.
21. No you get bored, enraged, frustrated and develop an urge to kill
them but you contract no disease.
23. President and Mrs. U. S. Grant are buried in Grant’s Tomb.
25. Because they aren’t dead yet. I said they were LIVING!
26. If you lay a brick it won’t follow you around for a week.
27. Yes you pervert, she sold him the bucket. Get your mind out of
the gutter and deduct 5 points from your score!
28. If you discovered that there is no question 28 before now give
yourself 5 points, if you just looked, deduct 5 points.
29. To error is human, to really foul things up, you need an engineer.
The damn bees fly, what did you think they did, take the bus.
30 If you said for laughs, give yourself 3 points, if you are actually
trying to determine your intelligence, deduct 5 points.
31. To keep them from defecating in their hands and throwing it at
40-42 You are some kind of Genius most people will hate you, not
because you are smart, just because you are you.
35–39 You are a sharp dude, you will probably do time for a white
30-34 Way above average, you could probably launch a rocket, but
building one is another story.
25-29 Average, you will work long and hard for paltry wages and pay
taxes dutifully to support those who have scored much lower.
20-24 Slightly below average, I see a great career as a manicurist
here if you can learn to chew gum without popping it.
15-19 Well below average but I see a great career in transportation for
you, if you can master the phrase “10-4 Good Buddy”.
10-14 Far below average for humans but really smart for a higher
5-9 Brain Dead, small electrical appliances score higher than this.
1-4 Tea totally fricking stupid, you have a great future in politics.
0 and less you ARE the Senate Majority Leader if you are a man, if you are a woman you are the Secretay of State or House Minority Leader.