The Saga of Ike Can’t
Richard A. Hanson © 2006
Foreword: I am having a bad day. First the Ford Garage called and told me that the numerous and much needed repairs to my pickup were complete and it was ready to pick up. This caught me at a most in opportune time as I had taken my diabetes medicine and the allotted 30 minutes before I was supposed to eat breakfast had just about expired. Ike Can’t eat breakfast before the van arrived to take me to the dealership. Breakfast will have to be postponed for an hour or so and my blood sugar level began a slow slide down hill. Believe me, I am not the most personable individual when my blood sugar level is normal, when it is low you would rather meet a Grizzly Bear that has just backed into a branding iron. My truck was ransomed for a princely sum and I return home and in 5 minutes prepare a breakfast of cold cereal and toast. Breakfast consumed, Ike Cant start to work till the carbohydrates kick in and my sugar level comes up. To while away the time, I play a few games of Free Cell on the computer after I have checked my email. For some reason or other Ike Cant seem to win at the stupid game. At last my sugar level rises, I am feeling like Attila the Hun on a bad hair day and I head to the garage to finish the wondermus twisted
The History of Ike Can’t: Bill Epps once said in the Anvilfire Slack Tub Chat that he knew old Ike Cant and that the dumb son of a gun died in the poor house. I know that Bill is a truthful man so the Ike Cant I had the misfortune to be associated with today must have been one of his numerous descendants like Ike the 16th or Ike the 32nd anyway relatives of old Ike are still with us to this day.
Although Ike’s roots probably go back to the time that man first walked erect, the first written record of Can’t Clan is in Ancient Rome at the time of Julius Caesar, a well known Salad Chief and Emperor of the
From here the trail of the Cant Clan is muddied and difficult to follow but we do know that they made their way to
In the early 1900s we once again pick up on Cant Clan, and find that the parents of Ike Cant were Unableto Smith an Dowanna Try. They named their first offspring, a boy, John Ike Cant Smith. Later in life Ike; not wanting to be identified with all the John Smiths who rented rooms by the hour in sleazy motels shortened his name to Ike Cant. With the parents he had, Ike was probably doomed from the start and a series of half hearted attempts that resulted in failures from which he learn nothing left him destitute and living on the charity of his friends. While Ike was never successful in business, he did succeed in producing many offsprings from his marriage to Afraidta Start. While as Bill Epps said, Ike Cant died in the poorhouse, his offsprings are still with us today and at one time or another they seem to become involved in our operations. Beware, once Ike Cant becomes involved in your operation, he can take over and ruin your business.
Some of the more well known descendants of Ike Cant that have taken up Blacksmithing are:
Ike Cant Smith without a
Ike Cant Smith without Pocahontas #3 Coal
Ike Cant Smith without all the latest gadgets
Ike Cant Smith because I have no shop
Now here is the rub, many will use Ike Cant as an excuse not to try. Remember that if you never try, you will never fail but you will also never succeed. Any hunk of steel that has a flat spot can serve as an anvil. Even the less than satisfactory coal that is available from the
After word: When things go wrong and make me miserable it is my duty to pass that misery along and share it with as many people as possible therefore I have decided to annoy all of you with yet another story in which I tried to trace the family history of Ike Cant. When I suffer you suffer, it’s only fair. There are many of you that will say of me that “Ike Cant write a story”. To you I say, that has never yet stopped me from trying. It has also been said that the “pun” is the lowest form of humor, this should prove that statement beyond all reasonable doubts.