"No American is Safe while Congress is in Session"  Will Rogers
Christopher Columbus would have made a great politician.  When he started, he didn't know where he was going.  When he got there he didn't know where he was.  When he got back he didn't know where he had been.  AND he did it all on borrrowed money!

Tools for Politicians

By

Richard A. (Woody) Hanson © 2006

 

Foreword:  I am more than a bit disappointed with myself and the entire blacksmith community.  We labor long and hard constructing various and sundry items which we sell with varying amounts of success.  While we are engrossed in our labors we amuse ourselves by maligning, ridiculing and complaining about our elected officials from the President to the local Dog Catcher, or to be politically correct, Animal Control Officer.  We have to realize that politics is a dirty job and a lot of people are getting rich by practicing it.  Instead of badmouthing these individuals we should be constructing tools to aid politicians and make them more productive.  By doing this we would not only make this a better country, we would also tap an untouched and very lucrative market.  So quit bending scrolls, making S-hooks, knives, tomahawks, gates, railing and everything else and concentrate on making Tools for Politicians.  Below I have listed some of the most urgently needed items:

 

Back patter/pocket picker – This device would allow the wily politician to show his appreciation to his friends and backers while quickly and quietly emptying their wallets.

 

Fence Sitter with OSHA Approved Handrails and Ejection Seat – Most politicians make it a practice to straddle the fence on any issue until they see which way the vast majority of the population, or the guys with the big bucks are leaning.  They tread precariously on the wire and often lose their balance and sometimes fall on the wrong side resulting not only in grievous damage to their image but often in their summary removal from office at the next election.  This device would allow any politician to sit safely and comfortably astride the fence until the last moment and then launch him or her to land out ahead of the pack so they could act like they have been there all the time.

 

Head Level – Everybody knows that people with level heads make good decisions.  Based on many recent political decisions, this device is urgently needed.

 

Tongue Splitter – How can you tell when a politician is lying?  His mouth is open and his lips are moving. We all know politicians speak with a forked tongue; this device would make it easy for them.

 

Mouth Divider - With this tool a politician could talk out of both sides of his mouth at the same time with ease.  When used with the Tongue Splitter, it would allow a politician to lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time.

 

Word Twister – I know you understand what you think you I said, but I am not sure you understand what I meant.  With the Word Twister, a statement, or an entire speech can be adjusted to mean whatever you want or as with most politicians nothing at all.

 

Truth Bender and Stretcher – This would allow the crafty politician to bend the truth to suit his or her own personal needs as the situation dictated.  This would not eliminate lying, it would only make the lies sound more plausible .

 

Voice Actuated Back Stabber – This device would allow any politician to craftily shaft his opponents with a mere phone call while maintaining a safe distance and having plausible deniability.  It would be most effective when used in conjunction with a friendly member of the News Media.

 

Smoke Generator – This device has several uses, it allows a politician to focus attention on a nonexistent problem for personal reasons or financial gain.  In addition it allows a politician to obscure a less than favorable voting record and would automatically create a hiding place when things got rough.

 

Multi Faceted Mirror and Blame Deflector – This tool would not only project the politician’s image in the most favorable light, it would deflect and redirect barbs thrown his direction by unfriendly media representatives and political opponents. Further, it would shield the politician from any blame for making boneheaded decisions.

 

Money Washer and Press – This device needs little explanation. It takes dirty money and tainted campaign contributions and turns them into clean tidy bills and when used in conjunction with awarding government contracts can actually turn lead into gold.

 

Ethics Bender – If a politician should happen to stray to the wrong side of the ethical line, this would allow the line to be bent to bring the politician back on the correct side.  It would be highly effective when used in conjunction with the Anti Ethics and Scruples Vaccine.

 

Track Cover – In the event that the politician were to stray so far over the ethics line that the Ethics Bender in conjunction with the Anti Ethics and Scruples Vaccine were to prove ineffective it would safely cover a politician’s tracks.  In the event of an FBI sting operation where a politician is videotaped accepting bribes, it would automatically cover the politicians face and distort his voice.

 

Side Flipper - This tool would allow a politician to take all sides of an issue depending on who he is addressing while appearing to only represent the views of the people who elected him.

 

Memory Eraser – This tool would allow the crafty politician at election time to erase selective portions of not only his memory, but also the memory of those who he failed to represent.  It should have a super warp drive that could also change his voting record as it appears in the Congressional Record.

 

Event Spinner – This device must be able to take any event and put a spin on it that is favorable to the politician that owns it.  No matter what he does it will make him look like the hero.

 

Automatic Baby Kisser – Everybody knows that at campaign time if you want to get elected you got to kiss them babies.  That’s a lot of wear and tear on the lips not to mention germs etc.  This device would allow a politician to appear to kiss the baby without actually touching it.  Throughout the term of office, it could be applied to the other end if the campaign contribution was big enough.

 

After Word:  The construction of these devices must take place in absolute secrecy and they must be fully protected by Patents both in the U.S. and Worldwide before their existence is known. Even then a key component must be left out of the plans so that any attempt to duplicate a particular device will fail. If these warning are not strictly adhered to, politicians will get wind of the project, steel our ideas and have the devices constructed by friendly contractors.  They will then have the devices classified Top Secret and deny their existence and deprive you of any monetary gain to which you would otherwise be entitled.