Richard A. Hanson and Carolyn Cook © 2005
Caveat Emptor: This story is not Politically Correct, nor is it Idiot Proof. If you take exception to that fact, perhaps you should limit your visit to the time it has taken you to read this far.
Foreword: There ought to be a law on the first page of the first law book that says “You can’t make it idiot proof, nor are you required to do so. If someone is so addlebrained that they use or misuse your product for other than it’s intended purpose and injure themselves or others as a result of that deliberate misuse it’s their fault not yours.” Darwin had it right; Natural Selection and Survival of the Fittest, but politicians in their zeal to protect us from ourselves and at the same time garner enough votes to keep themselves in office continue to pass feel good legislation of which the only result is to prolong the existence of a bunch of nitwits who are dumb enough to vote for them. The end result is a bunch of warning labels on products telling us not to do something incredibly stupid with a particular product or not to use the product for some purpose that simply defies logic. Rest assured that every warning label is not placed on a product because someone might at some point misuse the product in a particular fashion and thus injure themselves. THEY ALREADY HAVE!
Credits: This was mostly written by me but I got busted by a lady friend about having a women section and no men section so she has agreed to write a section about men. Probably bash us about leaving the seat up. Thank you Carolyn for your contribution.
Warning Labels: Some warning labels are good and should be followed to the letter. For years I have always preached, “Read the label, read the MSDS” to people who handle and use chemicals. There are many hazards associated with common chemicals that are not readily apparent to the user and therefore, a label is necessary to advise users of the hazards associated with the product. These labels are seldom if ever read, and in the rare instances that they are read, the instructions they detail are almost never followed. Most people operate on the premise that if it doesn’t kill me the first time I misuse the product, further misuse is ok. The effects of said misuse or exposure are usually somewhere in the vague future. Other warning labels are downright absurd! If you need to be warned that you should not use a 4 foot high wire CD storage rack as a ladder, or a backpack CD carrier as a flotation device, you deserve what you get be it a broken neck from a fall or a long visit with the Carp. You will be missed, but not by many and not for long.
Cell Phones: Just exactly what part of hang up and drive don’t you understand? You were barely competent as a driver when you had both hands on the wheel and your full concentration on the problems of the moment that were related to the operation of a motor vehicle. Now you are attempting to drive with one elbow and scratch your nether regions with one hand while you hold your miniscule phone in the other and at the same time try to yell at the kids in the back seat and try to concentrate on your conversation. Remember, you have the attention span of a gnat; you can’t concentrate on anything more complicated than a cheeseburger for longer than five seconds. Now you are at the controls of a three thousand pound SUV that is careening down the freeway at 10 MPH over the speed limit and your full attention is on what you are going to wear to the party tonight. If I had a death wish, I would get in front of you. People like you should leave your cell phone at home and take the bus. Further, when you get out of your vehicle after causing half a dozen accidents and being involved in none of them, just what the hell makes you thing the rest of the world is interested in your conversation. You must think we are, because you talk so loud on that stupid little piece of plastic that a phone is unnecessary, you can be heard all over the state without it. We are not interested that you are “shopping at Safeway”. We already knew that, we are at Safeway too and we can see you. People like you should be put against a wall and shot, but they would have to shoot you in the ass because there is nothing in your head that a bullet would hurt.
Driving: Driving is not a Right guaranteed to you by the Constitution! It is a privilege extended to you by your state of residence. It is a privilege that is not revoked nearly enough. Driving is not something you do while you fix your hair or put on make-up on the way to work or the mall. It is not something you do while your limited mental faculties are further impaired by drugs or alcohol. God knows that if you had one brain cell in your head, it would die from lonesomeness and now you want to cloud what little reasoning ability you have with a mood altering chemical. Do the world a favor and overdose now, before you get in a vehicle. If I were to go out in public and use a firearm as indiscriminately as you use your three thousand pound motor vehicle, I would be arrested and imprisoned for life yet, you on the other hand will probably get off Scott free or with a minimum fine at the worst. Driving is a full time job, it requires you full concentration you do not get to read a book, eat a seven course meal (cheeseburger and a six pack), pick your nose, discipline the kids in the back seat, talk on the phone, or play slap and tickle with your significant other. Further, your vehicle is equipped with turn signals. They were installed so you could warn other drivers that you are about to do something stupid like a 4 lane U-turn. Use them! Here are some other words of wisdom for you. When the road is wet, or icy, SLOW DOWN!!! That doesn’t mean slow from 20 mph over the speed limit to the speed limit. The speed limit is the maximum allowed for good conditions, not the minimum required for any condition. Slow way down and allow plenty of room between you and the next vehicle. When you think you are going too slow, knock another 10 MPH off the speed and you will be about right. Snow, ice or wet roads don’t cause accidents. Stupid people driving too fast on snow, ice or wet roads cause accidents. If you can’t slow down, then have the cojones to say that the cause of the accident was your speed, don’t blame it on the road conditions. Remember you are the only one in the equation that is capable of rational thought. The car can’t think, the road can’t think and the ice and snow can’t think, but you can if you try hard enough. If this concept is too complicated for you, take the bus. That way you can leave the driving to a skilled professional who is overworked, under paid, totally fatigued and probably high on drugs. If they took all the stupid drivers off the road, me and the handful of other people on this planet who can actually drive would have the roads to ourselves.
Smart ass Kids: Are you tired of taking orders? Are you tired of being told when you can come and go? Do you know way more than your parents and other older people? Do you want to do things your own way, be your own boss? Then, get your ass out into the real world, get a job and make a fortune while you still know everything! Quit whining about the job being boring or no fun. If it was all that much fun, they would not call it work and pay you to do it. Don’t expect to hire out today, and be promoted to president of the company tomorrow. Even though your IQ is slightly higher than golf par, and you have years of experience playing video games; getting promoted to president of the company will take more than a couple days. It may take as long as a couple weeks which is thirteen days longer than you have held any of your previous 37 jobs. Remember, you should not apply for a management position if a major portion of your professional vocabulary from all your previous jobs is “do you want fries with that”. Do not be ashamed to start at the bottom. Don’t worry that you are sweeping floors and you have a MBA. If you ask politely, someone will show you how to hold a broom. Another group of smart assed kids that really torque me off are the ones that come into the store just to mess around because they are bored and have nothing better to do. The ones that play catch in the aisles with hard balls, pick stuff from one place in the store and drop it in another place, set all the alarms on the display clocks then leave, or who turn all the stereo volumes up full blast then walk away. The ones that take a small piece of merchandise and put it in the pocket of a coat on the display rack so that some unfortunate shopper will be embarrassed to death when they buy the coat and as they are leaving the store, the piece of merchandise concealed in the pocket of the coat sets off the door alarm. These brats should be taken by the ear, marched home to their parents, and then their parents should get a swift kick in the ass for raising such a smart assed brat. Don’t get me wrong now, I like smart ass kids if you cook them right.
Women: We don’t read minds and cannot tell what you are thinking. You should be thankful for that, if we could you would still be single. You want us to be honest, but when we are honest with you, you get mad as hell. Don’t ask us a question if you don’t want an honest answer. Don’t ask us if you are too fat, if your butt is too big, or you bust too small unless you want an honest answer. If you had to ask, you already know the answer. Don’t tell us to be honest and then expect us to lie to make you feel good. Look in the mirror, if you look like a banjo with legs, your butt is too big. If you belly sticks out farther than your bust does, either your belly is too big or your bust is too small. One more thing, if you are going to wear the bare midriff look, you can’t have a boobs do. That’s where your belly sticks out farther than your boobs do.
One other thing while we are on the subject of honesty; what is with all these foam rubber pads, Silicone, Liposuction, Bo Tox, Face Lifts, Tummy Tucks, and that Col…. Whatever stuff that you get injected to make you look younger. You all should come with a warning label that says “contents may be older than package appears.” If a guy took a used car and turned the odometer back that far, then sold it, they would put him in jail for fraud.
Further, what’s this deal with the lid having to be down all the time? If you go into the bathroom in the middle of the night and don’t turn on the light and look first, you deserve a dunking. Why should the burden be on us guys all of the time. If we go into the bathroom in the middle of the night, we have to lift the lid. If we used your philosophy, you would discover a wet cover on the throne the next time you went into the bathroom. I bet that would make you even madder than a cold dunk in the middle of the night. Perhaps we can compromise, I will hook the toilet up to the hot water line, that way at least the dunking won’t be so cold.
You say we never go shopping with you, why, because while we may be certifiably crazy, we are not incredibly stupid that’s why. We know that if we go, you are going to ask us some question that will get us in trouble immediately like does this mauve blouse go with my eyes. First of all, we don’t know what mauve is, second, you ain’t wearing it on your eyes so how should we know. Or, you will ask “does this dress make me look fat.” See honesty above. If we answer with honesty we know we will get banished to that island in the Pacific called Nosex Atoll for the next 6 months. Like I said we ain’t stupid. Why do we like to shop in the hardware store, because we understand the colors there. Skill tools are red and silver, Makitas are blue, DeWalts are yellow, Black and Decker are
Now about directions, we got lost in the first place because we were listening to you instead of paying attention to where we were going. Men think in straight lines and drive in straight lines. It was only when women got involved in civic planning and made crooked winding roads and streets that went nowhere that we began to have problems with navigation. Also we understand directions given in points of the compass such as go North on
But being the big hearted guys that we all are, we can find it in our hearts and forgive you and love you anyway BABE!
Men: First of all, you DO often read our minds and CAN often tell what we are thinking. We are so GOOD with our facial expressions and body language that many times it leaves no doubt in your mind EXACTLY what we’re thinking. Just that it scares you so much, you pretend ignorance. Yes, we do often ask you how we look. After all, we go through all of these skin care products, exercise programs, clothes that make us look thin, for YOU. Even after we’ve ‘won ya over’; we STILL do our best to look good for you. But what do YOU do? Once you ‘got us’, you totally stop trying to impress us. I’ve never had a guy ask me with concern on his face, while looking sideways in a mirror, if his gut is too big. In fact, we’re convinced you’re kinda proud of it.The bigger, the better. After all, it takes work to get that gut. Doesn’t happen overnight. And adding a belch every so often, to get our attention, only causes you to strut around like a peacock just a little bit more. Not with your chest out, but with your gut out. Add a line with the word ‘babe’ in it, and you think you’re God’s Gift to us.
We grow and mature and become better as we get older. We give up our dolls and toys. You grow. You still have your toys that you are VERY possessive of; they’ve just changed a bit. Your truck or other vehicles, tools, yard equipment, hunting and/or fishing gear, the electric trimmer that was invented by a teenager who absolutely hated adults, and of course that MANLY BBQ GRILL with all the knobs and black and silver steel/iron that you don’t think the little lady can handle. Just a note here: we CAN handle not only that sophisticated, complicated grill (after all, the instructions were probably written by a woman, that’s why there are such COOL grills out there), but we can pick up your hammer, drill, pliers, saw, tape measure (it really measures things) or wrench, and fix anything in our home. But often, because of your very sensitive ego (mentioned more at length later) we stand back and let YOU fix that drippy faucet or hang the picture. The tough part for us is FINDING the tools. Unless you are one of those rare guys who really DOES organize your workbench. But how many of you can xstitch a picture, hang curtains, make a bed (that’s different than pulling the sheets and comforter up over the pillows), do laundry correctly, or talk on the phone while you’re preparing dinner, and take a couple kitchen towels, an oven mitt, and some ribbon, and make an angel towel? Probably most women, if they’re lucky, can think of 1 guy at the most.
When God made woman, He KNEW we would have to be always sensitive to your ego. He made us patient, kind, longsuffering, gentle, forgiving, and a really really GOOD sense of humor. Otherwise, YOU would still be single.
Let’s talk about shopping. Put one of you in a Sears or Lowe’s store, and you’re happy as a puppy with a bone. If we ask you to wait just 1 ½ minutes while we try on an outfit, OH MY GOODNESS! You quickly admit how much you hate shopping and waiting on us to try on clothes, and how you wouldn’t be caught dead in a Bath & Body or Candle Store, but you are completely CLUELESS why we don’t get excited and start drooling when we walk into the tool section at Sears.
Do you ask for directions? No! Do you get lost? Yes! Do we ask for directions? Yes! Do we get lost? Hardly ever! If we do, we just make adjustments and enjoy going to a whole new place to shop. And pretend with our girlfriends that we planned it that way. Do you try to change us after marriage? Never, because we are constantly getting better anyway. And you really DO love us just the way we are. After all, you are amazed at how much we love and adore you. Do we try to change you after marriage, well, of course because we see such potential in you, that we KNOW you can do better! That’s where the patience that the Good Lord gave us kicks in. Because changing you is like nailing jello to a wall. We don’t get patience when the babies come along, like so many think. It kicks in as we’re walking down the aisle. In fact, during the reception, we can feel the patience just POURING into us! God knows, out of all the attributes He gives us, PATIENCE is the most important. So He starts early, at the very beginning, and just keeps a good supply constantly coming. Just a note here: God LOVES women. We were His best creation, and we hold a very special place in His heart. And He knows and understands the obstacles and brick walls we must face as wives. He created you first. When he saw the ego thing going on, he KNEW when He created us, what He had to do!
Can you change a toilet paper roll? We honestly think so, but it’s never been proven. Can you take pictures of the kids and grandkids? Again, same answer. Can you get out those same pictures that WE took and brag to your friends? Absolutely, it’s been proven! Can you understand why we don’t take pictures of your truck, tools, yard equipment, hunting/fishing gear (and the poor animal that you shot or caught), your trimmer, and that BBQ Grill? It’s beyond your capability and understanding. Can you put the toilet seat down? Of course, but it’s more fun NOT to. Can you walk through the house in the middle of the night without turning lights on? No way! Can we? Of course we have eyes in the back of our head, AND we can see in the dark. Do you have spit that cleans everything from a dirty child’s face to a spot of dirt (Heaven forbid) on your truck? Heck no, God only did a miracle with OUR spit. Your spit is just disgusting! Are you ever sorry when you ask us to help you with a project or repair or an assembly of a child’s toy or a push-mower, of course not. We know the easiest fastest most efficient way to get the job done. Are we ever sorry when we ask YOU for help? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm let me think about that one. YES! What could have been a ½ hour job, ends up being all day, because of course it either needs completely disassembled first because we messed it up so bad you need to start over, or you have to go to Sears to buy the right tool for the job, or you do it the first time without the instructions, and somehow blame it on us. If we’re smart enough and quick enough, we KNOW who’s really to blame. Do you need confirmation that ‘it’ was good for us? All the time, again the sensitive ego thing. Do we need confirmation that ‘it’ was good for you? Nope, because we know it WAS. Can you find something that isn’t right in front of you blinking in red, white, and blue? No, and it’s been proven. Can we find something that’s hidden in the back of a closet or drawer, or in the shed, or under your tools, or behind the trimmer? Yes, and it ALSO has been proven. Do you ever admit you snore? No. Do we ever admit we snore or grind our teeth? We don’t have to. We never do. Are you lost without duct tape? Absolutely without a doubt. Are we lost without scotch tape? No. In fact, it’s been discovered that in some cases, in an emergency, we have used the sticky part of stickup-notes to wrap a gift.
Okay, enough of that. In all fairness, where would we be without you? God made your arms to go all the way around us. You take away our fears and sadness. You really DO want to please us. You don’t ask for a lot in return for being our protector. Just a good meal, a smile, being happy when you walk through that door, lots of patience (there it is again), clean clothes, admiration and laughter at the right time when you’re trying to be funny, letting you buy a new tool every so often, complete awe when you’ve built or cooked or caught something, and no resistance when you reach out and pull us to ya for those much-needed hugs. Men honestly are an awesome creation. With a lot of work from us women, you really ARE comin’ along! After all, when God made us, it was a FINISHED job. When God made you, He knew WE would finish the job. God can do anything. He could have done a FINISHED job on you . But then, He knew we needed something to do after our 40 hr. a week job, taking care of the kids and our home. We would have had TOO much time on our hands.
And don’t forget, we can blame anything and everything on PMS. And it lasts the whole month. After all, PMS can start up to 2 weeks before, and last as long as 2 weeks after. It honestly IS beyond our control. You fellas have YET to come up with a legitimate reason why you do the things you do .
Note to the author: Wow, looks like maybe you should add a bit more to the ‘women’ section of your article. Looks slightly uneven to me. My article is MUCH bigger. After all, size DOES matter. (innocent smile).
Automated phone answering systems: “Good morning, you have reached the XYZ Company’s automated phone answering system.” Damn I am glad to hear that, I was afraid I would have to talk to a real person. “Your call is very important to us and may be recorded for quality control.” This means that after we jack you around for 4 hours and 37 minutes before you finally reach a babbling idiot who is two fries short of a Happy Meal, if you say anything that we can even remotely interpret as a threat, we will have the FBI on you ass like a duck on a Junebug. “For instructions in English press 1, for instructions in Spanish, press 2. Buzz click click 30 seconds of elevator music while the connection is made. If you are calling from a touch tone phone press 1 to access our main menu, if you are not calling from a touch tone phone press 2 and stay on the line till hell freezes over and someone who speaks rudimentary English with a thick Arab accent will answer but will be unable to help you. “Welcome to the XYZ Company’s automated main menu if you know the extension of the person you are trying to reach enter it now. For Sales press 1, for Shipping press 2, for Engineering press 3, for Customer Service, press 4, for Operations press 5, To place an order press 6, to listen to this menu again press 7. To leave a voice message with your name and phone number so we can call you back when we are available press 8. To speak with an operator press 9.” I press 9. buzz click click and 30 more seconds of elevator music. “Welcome to the XYZ Company your call is very important to us, our operators are all busy assisting other customers, please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order it was received.” More elevator music interrupted every 30 seconds my the same automated monotone voice saying “your call is very important to us, please stay on the line.” After several hours, a voice comes on the line and says “this is Abdul thank you for waiting, how may I be serving you?” After you explain your problem, Abdul says “ah, that problem can best be handled by our engineering department, let me be connecting you.” Buzz click click, dial tone.
Language: What language do they speak in
Political Correctness: Is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.Who started this madness anyway. We have gone so far overboard in our attempt to be polite and refrain from inadvertently offending a bunch of morons who wear their hearts and feelings on their sleeves that it is nearly impossible to communicate in an effective manner. Are we so insecure that our own feelings of self worth are strictly dependant on the opinions of others? We have become so afraid of offending someone that we must bow to every minority and refrain from speaking the truth if it paints that particular group in a bad light. It would not be politically correct to point out that a certain group makes up 50% of the prison population because that group happens to commit 50% of the crime so they must come up with some other reason to explain the disparity in figures, it must be discrimination. I on the other hand don’t give a big rat’s patoot what other people think, I call them like I see them and if people take exception to that, then I will gladly direct their attention to the sprig of Mistletoe on my shirt tail. I used to say “screw them all, but six, save them for pallbearers.” Now I have decided to be cremated when I die so “screw them all!” If Harry Truman has followed this doctrine in World War II he would have had to nuke New York and Washington, DC to show he wasn't predjudice. Come to think of it that may not have been a bad idea.