In Loving Memory of Candy Hanson my Domestic Goddess 6/10/46 - 3/16/05

Eternal rest grant unto her O'Lord and may perpetual light shine upon her, may she rest in peace.

Amen

50 Ways to Annoy your Mate

 

By Richard A. Hanson (c) 2003

 

Foreword: The Domestic Goddess and I have made an art of playing annoying little jokes on one another for many years. There are a few rules to this game; the first is you must keep your sense of humor. Never get mad, get even. Second, you can never be malicious or hurtful. Third, you get extra points for creativity. Fourth, don't spoil the other's fun, admit it when you have been had. Fifth, do not play if you are insecure or if your significant other suffers from PMS and has access to a handgun.

 

1. Leave the lid up and accuse him of doing it.

 

2. When you are spoken to, say what was that, I didn't hear. Keep doing that until the other party is speaking loudly, then say what are you yelling for, I heard you the first time.

 

3. Stir you coffee loudly until the other one gives you that look then smile and say, there, I think I got it. This also works well when scraping the bowl to get the last of the ice cream etc.

 

4. Leave the plastic wrap on the slice of cheese you put in someone's sandwich. This is the DG's all time favorite. She swears it was an accident, but she is still snickering about it two years later

 

5. Rattle the newspaper loudly and frequently when reading.

 

6. When asked what you want for dinner, ask for whatever you had last night. When she says you just had pork chops last night, say oh, is that what was.

 

7. Ask your mate if he/she would like a cup of coffee, pie, ice cream or anything. When they say yes, say while you are up get me one too.

 

8. Another favorite of the DG, the old bait and switch. Coffee is ready honey. When you get to the kitchen, the bag of garbage is sitting on the floor right in front of the coffeepot. She says while you are here, you might as well take out the garbage.

 

9. When you come home late in the evening, accidentally hit the panic button on the key ring that sets off the alarm on the car in the attached garage.

 

10. Turn the volume of the TV set way up then turn the TV set off. Wait patiently for them to turn on the set. After the commotion is over, stick you head into the room and say "did you say something honey?"

 

11. Leave the sticky label from fruit stuck to the kitchen sink. Quit doing it as soon as they quit whining about it.

 

12. Drink all but the last couple drops of milk, juice etc., then leave the container in the fridge.

 

13. Point to every female on the soap opera she is watching and say, "Isn't that one Rachel?"

 

14. Make up stories about the people or objects in the TV show you are watching. Speak with authority and make it sound plausible. When you have them thoroughly fished in. Let them see you laugh. i.e. when watching a program about the pyramids, say do you know how they built them. They made a layer of rock, then piled up sand to that level and placed another layer of rock. They kept doing this and were always working at grade level. When they were done, the hauled all the sand away.

 

15. When driving to a new place, know where you are going, but have her/him watch for a street that doesn't exist.

 

16. Mumble something inaudible. When asked what you said, say I didn't say anything. Wait a few minutes and mumble again.

 

17. When driving, just as you start across the railroad tracks, hit the horn.

 

18. Leave the lid up and lie about it. Works especially well if you are the victim of #1. She will never be sure who did it.

 

19. Wait until he/she picks up the paper and begins to read. Ask a question or begin a discussion. Wait till they begin to read again and repeat.

 

20. Give an answer that is totally irrelevant to the question. i.e. When asked how way your day, reply there is a crow on the roof. When they ask if you have lost your mind, feign ignorance and ask them what they are talking about.

 

21. Answer a question with a question

 

22. When they are talking to you, no matter what they say reply "Yes Dear".

 

23. Give them exactly what they ask for. i.e. when getting some coffee and they ask for a cup, give them a cup. Then say "did you want some coffee in that."

 

24. Use the volume control on the steering wheel to gradually increase the volume of the radio every time they turn it down.

 

25. When driving, point out something that didn't exist and ask if they saw it.

 

26. When traveling, decide you want to eat at the restaurant at the exit you just passed. Another Domestic Goddess Favorite.

 

27. When traveling, pretend you can read a map or understand directions. Another Domestic Goddess Favorite.

 

28. Suggest a drive in the country that will take you by your favorite restaurant right at dinner time. An all time Domestic Goddess Favorite. NOTE: All roads do not lead to Rome, all roads lead to the Fireside Inn.

 

29. When asked what you want to do, say "whatever you want to do". Then when she/he suggests something, "say oh no not that."

 

30. After you drive the car, forget to put the seat back. Works especially well if you are 5'8" and your spouse is 6'3".

 

31. Call home from work. Disguise your voice and ask for yourself, leave message for yourself. i.e. (mumble) "is Woody there," "no he is not here now" "when he comes home, tell him Woody called"

 

32. Get him/her hooked on a movie on TV, watch it with them for a few minutes, then go to bed, or go to the computer etc. Even better if it is a foreign film with subtitles. NOTE: This may not work with a lot of people, but the Domestic Goddess is a sucker for it every time

 

33. When driving, say what's that noise, describe a non-existent noise, and say can't you hear it.

 

34. Pick up a phone that didn't ring, says "just a minute", hand him/her the phone and say "it's for you". Works specially well with cordless phones.

 

35. Sneak out the back door, go around front and ring the doorbell. Wait for them to answer the door. The look on their face is priceless.

 

36. If asked to move something, move it in the opposite direction. Keep going in that direction.

 

37. Take the book they are reading and move the bookmark forward 10 pages.

 

38. Enlist their help in looking for the shirt/shoes you are wearing. You know the shirt I am talking about, it's red like the one I have on.

 

39. Point the TV Remote Control at her, push the MUTE button, then say the batteries in this thing must be dead, it don't work.

 

40. Ask if they need help repeatedly, then when you are ordered out of the room, tell them to call if they need help.

 

41. While shopping, walk away when they are not looking and leave them talking to themselves.

 

42. Sneak off with the cart in the grocery store and hide from them. Get behind them and follow them around while they look for you.

 

43. Dirty a whole sink full of dishes to make ham and eggs.

 

44. Get all the people in the office to call and wish her happy birthday, especially people she doesn't know. Have them say that they heard her husband call in to the radio station (pick a local station) and said she was depressed because she just turned, 40, 50 what ever, and he wanted everyone to call her to cheer her up.

 

45. Put a big banner on the fence that says "Candy turned 40 today, honk to wish her a happy birthday."

 

46. When getting ready to go somewhere, as soon as she is dressed, ask "is that what you are wearing?"

 

47. When driving into the garage, when you are almost stopped, hit the brakes hard causing the car to lurch.

 

48. Ask her where to buy Popsicle sticks (you really want them for applying glue), when she asks what you want them for tell her to make Popsicles of course.

 

49. Ask any manner of off the wall questions like "do bugs sleep", "do they eat potatoes in China" this is another DG favorite.

 

Make a list titled 50 Ways to Annoy Your Mate and only put 49 items on it. They will read the list and say "There are only 49 things on this list"